TLJ: Erykah Badu – Call Tyrone

In today’s Throwback LoveJam of the Day, CnC honors the season of spring cleaning! Erykah Badu’s Call Tyrone is the national anthem of kicking a triflin’ partner to the curb.

“You betta caaaall Tyrone…Call him!”

….”But you can’t use my phone”

lol

Happy listening at the side panel or via the link above!

CnC Video Highlight: “Black Love is Dead”

Discovered this treasure in the YouTube archives thanks to a CnC reader.. very entertaining but do we laugh to keep from crying? So what to make of it, is black love dead?

“Bold Questions. Rich Life” with Dr. Ndiya Nkongho: What Do You Desire?

Question of the Month: What do you desire?

In my work as a clinical psychologist, I have asked this question hundreds of times.

I have witnessed and heard responses to this question that are breathtaking in their diversity. Although the question is four short words, emphasizing a different word each time opens new doors of exploration…

What do you desire?

I observe that some people answer this question not with a ‘what’ but with a ‘whom’ or a combination of the two. “I want to marry Joe,” “I want Martha to quit nagging me,” and the like. Some of us want our ‘whom’ to start or stop being, doing, or having something that we do not approve of or enjoy. We silently (or loudly) expect that as soon as our ‘whom’ alters his or her behavior, we will then have what we desire: excitement, joy, peace, or kindness. It requires incredible energy to maintain the fantasy of complete control over others’ behavior.

If you allowed yourself to explore the possibility, might you be able to create the experience of ‘what’ you desire without having to rely entirely on your ‘whom’ changing in the way you prefer?

Some people have a ‘what’ that travels with plenty of baggage: ‘when’, ‘where’, and ‘how’ are the most common companions. We can identify our desire for a loving life companion or exciting friendships…and we have helpfully provided God, the Universe, our friends and families with timetables and schedules for their proper execution. You have decided you will make new friends at church, chapter meetings, and the gym—not in the supermarket, nightclubs, or dry cleaners. You have decided that you will not meet your life companion until you graduate, lose 20 pounds, move to Cleveland…or you’ve decided that your life companion must appear before you turn 30, buy a home, or make partner at your firm.

Are you so passionate about ‘what’ you desire that you don’t care about the package? Or are you prepared to only experience ‘what’ you desire if it shows up ‘when’, ‘where’, and ‘how’ you expect?

What do you desire?

Pull out your yearbook or your journal, call a friend, or just sit back and think of these two words: middle school (junior high, for some of you). Remember how badly you desired the fashion of the day (boat shoes, orange Cross Colors jeans, Members Only jacket) and couldn’t ever imagine wanting anything else? Your tastes, preferences, and standards in fashion have likely changed over the years. With luck, you’re able to acknowledge the change in your desires without calling the 1976/1986/1996 version of you tasteless, hopeless, or useless.

Remember the depth of your crush on Kim Fields, Donnie Wahlberg, Ralph Tresvant, George Michael, or Sally from around the corner? Remember the hours you spent running drills (as you dreamed of the NFL), practicing your lines (as you dreamed of Broadway fame), or studying architecture (as you dreamed of joining the family firm)? Some of us expect and welcome change in our wardrobes but not in our hearts. We are often reluctant to admit that what we do desire isn’t what we once desired.

Are you allowed to admit that what you desired then—in a career, a friend, a life partner—may not be what you desire now?

Are you required to live out your dreams from ten, twenty, thirty years ago—or are you free to change your life to reflect your current desires?

What do you desire?

I’m asking you. Yes, you.

Wise, loving, and kind as they may be, I am not asking here about what your parents, lovers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, ancestors, teachers, professors, mentors, rabbis, deacons, Facebook friends, prayer partners, sorority sisters, running buddies, colleagues, girlfriends, God, bankers, political representatives, Presidents, creditors, debtors, trainers, physicians, or Board members desire.

I’m asking you.

With all those other voices in your head, do you recognize your own?

To what extent are your desires influenced, shaped, directed, guided by others’ desires?

Who cares—deeply—about what you desire?

If you have decided that what you desire is to fulfill someone else’s (i.e. your mother, Madison Avenue, Black liberation theology) desires for you, how do you organize your life around the discipleship or your choice?

What do you desire?

“It’s alright, I guess, for them to come along.”

“It’d be cool if we settled down, maybe got married.”

“I’m okay with having kids.”

Language is a powerful tool, able to create and reflect our internal worlds. Many of us shy away from the language of passion and desire. As in the phrases above, we use passive, lukewarm, vague words as we speak about our lives and our choices. If we choose to communicate this way, we risk conveying to others (or worse, convincing ourselves) that we are too sophisticated, spiritual, hardcore, masculine, worldly, suave, feminine, cynical, or embittered to admit desire.

If you do desire something, anything at all, what prevents you from communicating this clearly to yourself and important others?

For others, the challenge is not communicating desire, but experiencing it. From days to decades, some people exist in the land of “Whatever”, unable to connect with any genuine energy or preference to journey in a particular direction. Desire does not have to be rigid, stagnant, and materialistic. Like a river’s energy, desire can be harnessed as a powerful, motivating force that inspires us to flexible, joyful, and vibrant living.

If you don’t experience desire, what obstacles might be blocking your path to this energy? What are the benefits and costs for continuing to desire nothing?

As iron sharpens iron, may these last quotations sharpen your own questions and thoughts about desire in your life:

“Desire is half of life; indifference is half of death.” - Kahlil Gibran

“Manifest plainness; Embrace simplicity; Reduce selfishness; Have few desires.” – Lao Tzu

“It’s not the having, it’s the getting.” – Elizabeth Taylor

© Copyright Dr. Ndiya Nkongho

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Dr. Ndiya Nkongho is a clinical psychologist in private practice (www.boldquestions.com ) in Atlanta, GA. You can read her full CnC bio HERE.

CnC Experts: Launch of “Bold Questions. Rich Life” with Dr. Ndiya Nkongho!

Cupid ‘n Cleopatra is thrilled to launch the next phase of the blog by welcoming our new resident expert & guest columnist, Dr. Ndiya Nkongho! In her monthly contribution “Bold Questions. Rich Life”, Dr. Nkongho will explore topics aimed at cultivating sound mental health, introspection and positive growth not only among our readers as  individuals, but also within their personal relationships.

Dr. Ndiya Nkongho is a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia who provides psychotherapy and consultation for people interested in intentional, joyful, and passionate living. Dr. Nkongho’s research and clinical experience is in the areas of identity, coping, and resilience in the face of loss and trauma. You may learn more about her clinical practice at her website: www.boldquestions.com

Dr. Nkongho earned her doctorate from Georgia State University and completed her internship and post-doctoral training at Vanderbilt University and Columbia University, respectively. She has served as a Visiting Assistant Professor at The Catholic University of America (Washington, DC).

TLJ: Tyrese – Sweet Lady

Today’s Throwback LoveJam of the Day is Tyrese’s Sweet Lady.

Nothing like a serenade on public transportation to get a girl’s attention. (Just don’t turn all Ike Turner on her down the line like Tyrese did in Baby Boy)

TLJ: Total feat. Diddy- Kissin’ You (Rmx)

CnC is transporting you to the Bad Boy Era in today’s Throwback LoveJam of the Day, Kissin’ You by Total!

A simple kiss can be the sincerest and most moving expression of love. Enjoy! …and take that, take that..lol

Washington Post: “Marriage Is for White People”

Chilling words from young black students in a DC area sixth-grade classroom: “We’re not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers…marriage is for white people.”

Folks, the systemic erosion of the black nuclear family is real, it is palpable and it is affecting the mindsets of our future generations.

Read the full article HERE.

CnC Group Convo: Black Relationships & Gender Roles – Is There a New Set of Rules?

In today’s Group Convo session, we explore the changing tide of gender role reversal for black men and women in relationships. CnC reader, Mr. Black Man,writes:

“I think black women need to realize there is a new set of rules to this game and start playing by them. By sheer numbers, educated, successful black men – like myself – are in the minority. Chances are if a black woman wants to get married she is probably going to end up with someone who makes less money than her. All ya’ll are out here talking about survivors and independence and irreplaceable on one hand then talking about how you want a man to take care of you on the other. Ya’ll wanna be kept women and aggressive breadwinners at the same time – it’s not realistic. You better stop passing up these blue collar brothers who can be great husbands instead of waiting on some ballin’ knight to make you a housewife. ”

Thanks for your insight Mr. Black Man.

Ok, so what to make of it, is he right? Can relationships be sustainable with gender roles reversed, where the man is not the traditional financial foundation of the household? Ladies,  are we honestly willing to wear the pants and not be resentful about that or use it as a weapon in arguments down the line? Fellas, are you honestly willing to marry a woman who makes more money than you, without secretly harboring that you feel emasculated?

Or are unequal finances /earning potential the ultimate kisses of death for black love?

Hot topic people!

Ready. Set. DEBATE!

TLJ: Lauryn Hill – Ex-Factor

Lauryn Hill’s Ex-Factor is one of the most poignant and classic break-up songs of all time. The words speak deeply to the hearts of anyone who has ever been a casualty on Love’s battlefield.

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can’t be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I’ll let go too
‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

We miss and love you, Lauryn -  please come back to us! In the meantime, we dedicate today’s Throwback LoveJam of the Day to the incomparable, irreplaceable L. Boogie.

Taxis, Men & Relationship Assumptions

Relationships are like taxis; no one is getting into either unless the light is flipped on. So, don’t think you are in a relationship when you may just be along for the ride. And if you don’t bother to ask, “Where are we going?”, you can’t place all the blame with the driver for bringing you to the wrong destination.

In this 21st century game of love I’ve noticed some very interesting things brewing with regards to 1) communication and 2) social dynamics. I almost feel the need to have one of those travel guides handy – you know the ones that give you helpful tips on how not to make an ass of yourself when visiting a non-English speaking foreign country? A Time Out “Tunnel of Love” edition. Similar to such things like: blowing your nose/sneezing in public in Japan could lead to people being offended/looking at you like you have SARS; or, responding favorably to the wrong  “Ciao, bella!” cat call in Italy could just get you mistaken for an African immigrant prostitute, I think our generation of daters needs a translation table and a user’s guide for social interaction.

In the tunnel of love no one speaks the same language, plays by the same rules, wants the same things or expects the same outcomes. The tunnel of love is a topsy-turvy place where up is down, left is right, “fcuk” is free flowing & “relationship” is the worst 4-letter word. Monogamy could be sold separately from your boyfriend/girlfriend membership card (check packaging for details) and despite our best efforts to project ourselves to the world as grown-ass folks, entering the tunnel of love unprepared could leave you looking like a thumb-sucking child with a dirty diaper when you exit. One of the biggest issues is the communication breakdown between wants/expectations and actual ability to produce such things. Real questions, coupled with sometimes not-so-nice answers, are replaced by filler assumptions to keep conflict suppressed and things moving smoothly. Unfortunately, relationship cars run on real fuel (firm agreements) and not hot air (assumptions).. so when driving in the tunnel of love, if you’re relying on the latter, there’s a good chance one pot hole could send your car spinning out of control toward a Fast & Furious-style fiery bloodbath {insert screams of “oh the humanity!” here}. Therefore, in my Time Out’s Tunnel of Love Edition, the number 1 topic is:  Assume = Ass of U and Me

Here’s a little story to help you visualize:

Girl meets Boy and not too long after getting to know one another they embark on a HomieLoverFriend relationship. They go out to dinners, stay in for dinners, see each other frequently and consecutively .. engage in “real relationship” schedules and activities without any titles. Months pass and Girl starts catching more feelings than she’s comfortable with for the current situation so she has a where-is-this-going conversation with Boy. Boy responds that he doesn’t want a relationship and that Girl is not the only girl. Although upset initially, Girl continues in the relationship with Boy in the hopes that one day he will change his mind and want a relationship. The glimmer of turning boo-friend to boyfriend in the future keeps her motivated and in the meantime his actions are seemingly giving her all the right signals that they are moving in the right direction toward something more concrete together. Months after their chat it all comes crashing down when Girl learns that Boy does in fact want a relationship now, just not with her – with one of the other girls he’s been seeing. Girl gets cast out into the cold world, feeling betrayed by Boy – after all, yeah he may have said one thing but his ACTIONS, his actions.. were saying another. Aren’t words only words, but you can trust people by what their actions show you? Sure. Sometimes. But in relationship world, actions and words must be in lock-step agreement – without assumptions & rationalization bridging the gap between the two! The story ends with Girl crying, losing her cool and cursing the ground Boy walks on. Boy, on the other hand, could give a flying “fcuk” because 1) though he’s sorry she’s upset, he told Girl exactly what he was about from the beginning and 2) he’s now happily in a new relationship of his own choosing and timeline. Girl’s tragic mistake: suspending reality and assuming things would change.

Assume = Ass of U + crying alone in the cold, cold world.

Now, I may get hate mail from my fellow females for this but I think we bring a lot of heartache upon ourselves down the road by not moving smart in the early stages of relationships to establish the right footing. We meet guys that we like and are significantly interested in becoming girlfriends of, but before we can start visualizing the wedding colors and how our hyphenated last names would sound, we need to start asking buddy if he really wants a relationship – and more importantly – with us in particular. Just because you two have been getting along great and you are having some of the most profound conversations of your life and doing/feelings things that you’ve never done/felt before doesn’t mean that that you are in a relationship until the actual words are said and agreed upon by both parties. Just because he hasn’t mentioned anyone else doesn’t mean that you are the only one. Even if you have admitted to one another that you are not seeing anyone else, it doesn’t mean that you are now in a relationship. Even if you verbally agree to be exclusive with one another, it doesn’t mean that you are now in a relationship. We get ourselves caught up in the emotional stuff and in turn project our expectations and assumptions onto the men that we are with, without being brave enough to ask him real questions about the current and future status of our interactions. We hurt ourselves further by assuming things about ourselves. If you know in your heart of hearts that you fundamentally need the title of girlfriend to do certain things emotionally & physically in relationships, and he tells you that he isn’t ready to have a girlfriend, then you shouldn’t assume that you can change your feelings because you don’t want to lose him. Continuing in the relationship with him (girlfriend title sold separately) tells him that you’ve agreed to the terms and conditions and, in theory, you should lose your right to cry and feel betrayed when he tells you 15 years later that he still doesn’t want a girlfriend. I think we need to take a step back from the urgency of biological clocks and the innate human need for companionship, in order to have common sense conversations with ourselves and the objects of our affection.

Don’t get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing and relationships can work to enrich lives, if they are built on the right communication foundations. The tunnel of love is a lifetime journey but you need to have the agility and preparedness of a NASCAR racer – full tank of honesty, seatbelt of patience and understanding, airbag of reality checks, and if need be, an emergency eject button to survive the fiery bloodbath crash.

Drive safely.

by ANDREA MICHELLE

© Copyright Cupid ‘n Cleopatra